What a fucking nightmare! Dealing with insurance companies and body shops is so stressful. About four weeks ago, Thursday, I was in an accident in our van that is also our house. So now we’re homeless for real. A woman who was driving under the influence ran a red light as I was going through the intersection. Obviously, we impacted with one another. I felt so pissed and scared about the whole situation. The thing that I have been working on, and was almost finished is broken. What a fucking nightmare! It is only a bunch of metal pieces that are all attached to each other, it is an inanimate object. However, it is an object that I have become intimately connected too. Amy and I have put hundreds of hours into the build and we had just started to use it the way that had designed it to be used.
For the first twelve days after the accident we didn’t know if our van was going to be totaled or not. The racing thoughts were awful, thinking about the worst-case scenario drove me crazy. I felt nauseated for days while we waited for the insurance guy to tell us if or when we would get our van back. I felt paralyzed, I wasn’t able to do much of anything. I spent most of my time either trying to calm myself down or distracting myself. This is actually a common theme in my life and especially in stressful situations. When I am full of fear, which usually manifests its self as anger, I struggle to be present and engaged in my current reality. When I am not living in reality I am totally unable to look at a situation objectively.
When I look at the situation objectively I know that it isn’t that big of a deal, it’s just a car. It feels like a huge deal because it is our house as well. The woman who caused the accident was high on crystal meth and didn’t have insurance, because that is a low priority for dope fiends. I do feel really victimized by her and the situation. All of our choices have consequences intended or unintended, and another person made a series of poor choices that impacted our lives significantly and that makes me feel really frustrated. Because she had no insurance we are going to have to pay our deductible and I only selected rental car coverage for 30 days. The repair is going to take at least 60 days. I was starting to work on the process of forgiving the lady who hit us and then we had to give back the rental and I got pissed all over again.
There is power in feeling angry and put upon by a situation and being resentful is my default spiritual condition. But I also know that hanging on to anger is toxic for me. Forgiveness is a complicated process. A mentor told me that forgiveness is just letting go of all hope for a better past and that is what I need to do. Firstly, forgive myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and secondly forgive the woman who wronged me which will take time. I know that it is my responsibility to start working towards forgiveness.